Legend: The lobster with which a woman was masturbating defecated into her vagina, implanting brine shrimp eggs which hatched inside her.
Example: [Collected via e-mail, 2000]
If you read one disgusting story this year . . . LET IT BE THIS ONE !
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life. One morning around 5am
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain,
When medics arrived they found
had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad – wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature’s tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature’s face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.
The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of
Origins: After scanning this little piece of junior high school scatology, we truly hope we will “read [only] one disgusting story this year.” Unfortunately, it’s only January, so our chances of success are dim.
What else can one say but someone had too much time on his hands? The silly little gem quoted above appeared on the Internet in January 2000. It combines the bestial impregnation motif of the “woman impregnated with octopus eggs” with the “animal used as masturbatory toy” motif of the
gerbil tale. The kinky masturbation theme from the “girl and the hot dog” tale gets worked into the mix, too. As usual, we have a detail indicating
Considering the deviance of the fictitional woman’s crime, it’s no wonder the author of the piece has her die. Considering his writing skills, we think it’s a shame he didn’t pen a similar ending for himself.
The “writer” at least managed to include a few details in his piece (i.e., the woman’s name and home town), but that’s about all he got right in terms of credibility. The narrative has a few glaring plotting errors:
Ms. DaLucci(assuming that is her name, since three different spellings of her surname appear in the text) “held a lighter under the creature’s face” while she was “lying in a tub”? Does she carry a cigarette lighter that works underwater, or was she sitting with a live lobster in a bathtub empty of water? (It’s not an experiment we’d be so cruel as to perform, but we doubt a lobster placed in a dry tub and burned in the face with a lighter would provide very many minutes’ worth of “pleasure” for anyone.)
- We’re told that the dying woman made “the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard,” and we’re told about what she felt and thought — she “woke up with a painful need to urinate,” “at first she thought she had diarrhea,” “she realized that it was urinary pain” — yet she was clearly alone in the house at the time (neighbors hear her screams and called the police) and was unconscious when paramedics reached her. There’s no indication she ever regained consciousness before she died and explained herself, since we’re also told only what the “medical police” believed had occurred rather than anything they learned from questioning the victim.
- Mud shrimp (corophium volutator) are critters about half a centimeter long. They can reach populations of 63,000 per square meter in optimal conditions. They exist only in Canada’s Bay of Fundy and serve as food for sandpipers.
As well, brine shrimp take a day to hatch, not two. They also won’t hatch out in anything less than extremely salty water, a substance not found in a woman’s vagina. It also takes more than salty water and eggs to bring about hatching — exposure to light within the first few hours of incubation is key. Brine shrimp growers recommend the eggs be exposed to a light source throughout incubation. Constant aeration (bubbling) is also necessary to provide sufficient oxygen levels for the eggs to hatch, this is also not a condition found in a woman’s vagina.
See Brine Shrimp Direct's FAQ: Hatching for more than you likely would ever want to know about raising brine shrimp.
Last updated: 26 January 2000