Fact Check

Bear Naked

Fused lovers are eaten by bear.

Published Mar 15, 2000

Legend:   Lightning fuses two outdoor lovers together, then a wandering bear eats the girl.

Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 1999]

Is there such a thing as safe sex?? Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing.

A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the
romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.

The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance — straight down!

Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.


Mmmmm . . . vomit

by the smell of food, a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet.

Doctors managed to successfully separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable — and unwilling to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable.

Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from the gene

Origins:   More a crude attempt at creating a "Darwin Award" story than a true piece of juvenilia, this entry is still close enough to the latter category to merit inclusion here. It has no masturbation, insects, or rotting food, but it does feature an animal feasting on people and mutilated genitalia, while adding details sure to register on the gross-o-meter, such as fused lovers and vomit.

Last updated:   5 July 2007


David Mikkelson founded the site now known as snopes.com back in 1994.

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