Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Claim: A memo from Osama bin Laden to his cavemates decries the theft of a box of
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2001]
Origins: We know of no one who is taking the "memo" at face value, but it is a fine example of the use of humor to defuse anxiety about a menacing foe by transforming him into a figure of fun, so we feel honor-bound to include it in our
We've the nationally syndicated news-satire National Public Radio show Rewind to thank for this humorous offering. John Moe, one of the writers for the show, is the author of the piece, which was performed on-air on
[Phone rings]An archive of Rewind can be accessed through the show's web site at rewind.kuow.org.
Man with middle eastern accent: Hello. Taliban Pizza.
Customer: Uh, yeah. Hi. I ordered a large mushroom and green pepper, like, two hours ago.
Middle eastern accent: Yes, we are proud to say we made the pizza. We will honor and defend the pizza.
Customer: Yeah, that's great. Um, where is it?
Middle eastern accent: To find you, our driver went down the big road, the one that goes by the Rec Center. He took that down about a mile and a half, past the market, until he got to the
Customer: Okay, so he went past the Rec Center?
Middle eastern accent: No, he went nowhere near the Rec Center! Why are you talking about a Rec Center?
Customer: I thought you said he went by the Rec Center.
Middle eastern accent: No; you said that. I didn't say that. We're not even sure there is a Rec Center.
Customer: Okay; fine. Let's start over — I just want the pizza.
Middle eastern accent: It is our policy that you did not order any pizza.
Customer: What? Yes, I did!
Middle eastern accent: We demand proof. You can't intimidate us with your pizza talk.
Customer: Oh, man! Come on! What do I got to do to get my pizza? I'm hungry!
Middle eastern accent: Please hold.
Customer: Now I'm on hold. Man! I can't believe this! Should have ordered from Pakistan.
Middle eastern accent: This is not Taliban Pizza. You have the wrong number. [Falsetto voice] This is Judy's Beauty Shop. In Pasedena. [return to middle eastern accent] Also, there is no such thing as pizza.
Customer: Come on, man! When am I going to get my pizza!
Middle eastern accent: We have placed the pizza in a neutral location.
Middle eastern accent: Go down the dirt path by the Rec Center. Turn left at the goat and look for the new condos. Someone who is certainly not named Omar may be there and give you the pizza, but he may not be. Please bring Jesse Jackson with you. There are no condos there. You never ordered mushrooms so there will be plenty of mushrooms. We do not recognize mushrooms... [fade out]
Barbara "the Dominos theory of minimization" Mikkelson
Last updated: 8 March 2008
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