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Home --> Risqué Business --> Juvenilia --> Mayo Clinic

Mayo Clinic

Legend:   Spoiled mayonnaise used in sexual play rots inside woman's vagina and attracts maggots.

Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 1999]

A strange but (allegedly) true story emphasising the importance of food hygiene.

A woman had been absent from college for a number of weeks When she returned one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been sick for so long. The following story emerged.

The woman and the boyfriend enjoyed involving food in their foreplay: Mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy, peanut Don't forget me! butter, you name it. One day the boyfriend, before going to work, made his sandwiches for the day, tuna and mayonnaise, leaving the leftover tuna mayo lying out on the kitchen top. He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxes in for a night in with his girlfriend. Time passes and the pair of them get in the mood and start "doing the do". The boyfriend leaps up, after yodelling in the canyon for a while, and remembers the tuna Mayo. He gets the tuna Mayo off the kitchen table and begins to slap it all over his girlfriend's body (applying voluminous amounts to her vaginal area) and starts to lick it off.

Two days later, after their night of tuna Mayo lust has passed, the couple start to feel very ill. The boyfriend first, he seems to be unable to stop vomiting and the girlfriend later who keeps on getting severe stomach cramps. The boyfriend puts this down to eating the tuna Mayo that had been lying out uncovered all day, and sure enough his jippy belly soon eases off after day or so.

His girlfriend, however,continues to feel ill, her pain worsening and her abdominal area becoming increasingly sore and tender. This goes on for a few more days until the girlfriend can't even get out of her bed for the pain in her crotch and abdominal area. So her boyfriend takes her to the doctors, who recommends she sees a gynaecologist.

Thinking she may have cervical cancer, the gynaecologist checks her out and to his horror discovers far inside the woman's vagina is a swarm of maggots that have been eating into her upper vaginal cavity. Apparently what happened was the tuna Mayo, after being left uncovered, in the sun, attracted a number of flies, who naturally laid their eggs, which the boyfriend ate and the girlfriend "incubated"!


Origins:   Despite its opening sentence, this is not a piece intended to warn us of the pitfalls of bad hygiene as the "spiders in the hairdo" legend is. This is a prototypical piece of sexual juvenilia, involving some kinky sex, rotting food, insects, and the (implied) loss of functional genitalia as "punishment."

Last updated:   7 July 2007

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