[Collected via e-mail, 2000]
Prior to joining the military my friend had been a certified EMT and worked nights on an ambulance crew. As the story goes, he had a regular rotation on which he made a few friends at the ER of the local hospital. In one such instance a friend of his relayed a story of a woman and her predicaments with a coke bottle (the old style glass ones.) It seems she was a nympho and in the urge to satisfy her cravings would use one of these bottles to 'pleasure' herself. Apparently, during one of her sessions, she was using such force that some of the air from inside the bottle got sucked out (while the bottle was on the way in) and became stuck around her cervix due to the vacuum that had been created. Unable to free the bottle, the woman proceeded to the emergency room at around midnight. The attending (not sure if it was a RN or doctor) watched the woman waddling in in much pain and quickly came to her rescue. After discussing the problem and examining the woman, the attending decided it would be best to use a small surgical drill to make a hole and relieve the vacuum inside. After doing so, the bottle slid easily from the woman's vagina. One would think that's where the story ends.
But it seems that about a week later the woman returned in the same state of 'despair'. Once again the same man helped her out of her predicament (this time my friend was actually there on a call for the ambulance and the woman was pointed out to him as she was leaving.) Before the woman left, the attending jokingly pulled out his rubber mallet (the one used to check reflexes, reflex hammer I believe is the term) and said, "Next time, I'm going to use this to get it out!" Slightly embarassed, the woman smiled and turned to leave for what 'should' have been the last time. A few weeks passed and my friend heard nothing more of this bizarre tale.
Then one night when he came to the ER on a call, he saw the friend who pointed out the woman to him originally. He struck up a conversation which quickly turned to the subject of the "Coke-bottle girl" (as she was now affectionately referred to.) It seems she had returned just the night before, once again requiring an emergency removal of a foreign object. And to her surprise the same attending came to examine her in her curtain. The attending remembered her well and wanting to have a few laughs, pulled out the rubber mallet and asked, "Remember how I told you I was going to remove the bottle if it happened again?" (while holding the mallet up for her to see.) The woman screamed in terror, grabbed her purse and shoes from the table next to her bed and proceed to waddle as quickly as possible from the ER in nothing but an exam gown and her socks! Realizing what he had done, the attending chased after her to no avail. He never caught up to the woman (she had hopped in a cab just down the street) and spent most of the rest of the night calling other nearby hospitals inquiring about the woman.
[Collected via e-mail, 1994]
Well, it's not about power tools, but there is the tale I heard from a friend who worked in hospital one summer. This friend heard from another friend, who was an intern at the hospital that a woman came in with an object lodged in her vagina. As it happens, this object was a COKE bottle, and it had suctioned itself to the woman's cervix.
Instead of drilling a hole in the bottom of the bottle to release the suction, the intern, yes, you guessed it, pulled the bottle and everything else right out.
Origins: The story of a self-pleasuring girl who manages to get a glass bottle stuck inside her and has to seek medical help to be freed from it has been part of the canon of contemporary lore for a number of decades. Our earliest print sighting dates to 1975, when it appeared in a compendium of off-color jokes told of a gal in the Ozarks who had gotten herself into this predicament with a beer bottle. However, the legend was around even before that; one of our readers encountered it in 1965 in Missouri told of a gal who had used a
While it is true any number of folks have managed to get the darndest things trapped inside their nether regions in pursuit of the ultimate sexual thrill, we do have to doubt this tale of a bottle trapped in a vagina due to suction ever played out in real life.
However, this legend is about sexual behaviors brought to light, so whether a seal sufficient to lock the bottle in place could be created is almost beside the point; the story requires only that the audience believe it could. Without the unbreakable seal, there is no reason for the girl to visit the emergency room, thus no mechanism for her sexual adventuring to become common knowledge. We find out she has been masturbating through the plot device of her requiring medical assistance to dislodge the item she'd been pleasuring herself with. A similar urban legend about a girl who uses a
This legend differs from the "girl gets a hot dog stuck inside her" story in two ways. First, while the hot dog tale is usually told about someone the teller knows or knows of (everyone, it seems, went to high school with a girl who got out of the ER on a misdewiener), the "bottle" incident is generally said to have happened to a stranger, someone a friend of the teller encountered. The former is a rumor used to humble and devastate specific girls in high school, the latter is a more general cautionary tale about the evils of masturbation.
Second, whereas a hot dog poses no danger (well, unless eaten, that is), a glass bottle lodged in one's private parts raises the specter of genital mutilation via being slashed by its shards. This legend argues a stronger case against masturbation: not only is embarrassment a potential outcome, but so is injury.
Most of the recountings of this legend culminate in the attending doctor drilling a hole in the base of the bottle to breach the vacuum that is locking it in place. This following version gives a different solution:
My brother was an EMT in Pt Wentworth, GA in the 70's. He told me of this call involving a young woman (16) who got a glass Pepsi Bottle stuck inside her during masturbation, no one knew what to do so they called the local ER and was told to release the suction, one of the EMT had to insert his finger into the young ladies rectum to relieve the bottle pressure. Needless to say, she was taken to the local ER and referred to that doctor!
A man, reportedly a homosexual, was taken to the casuality ward of a hospital with a small pineapple juice bottle inextricably inserted. The doctor, whom the teller averred was his father, could not think how to pull it out without breaking it, but at last inspiration came. He inserted a straightened and corkscrewed coat hanger in the bottle, filled it with plaster of paris, let it set, and was then able to pull out the bottle. As he did so, the young, naive student nurse at his side said: "However did he swallow it in the first place?"
|Rectal Foreign Bodies|
Dale, Rodney. The Tumour in the Whale. London: Duckworth, 1978. ISBN 0-7156-1314-6 (pp. 79-80). Legman, G. Rationale of the Dirty Joke: An Analysis of Sexual Humor, Second Series. New York: Breaking Point, Inc., 1975 (p. 428).