Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Legend: Girl ends up in emergency room after the bottle she's been pleasuring herself with becomes stuck inside her.
Origins: The story of a self-pleasuring girl who manages to get a glass bottle stuck inside her and has to seek medical help to be freed from it has been part of the canon of contemporary lore for a number of decades. Our earliest print sighting dates to 1975, when it appeared in a compendium of off-color jokes told of a gal in the Ozarks who had gotten herself into this predicament with a beer bottle. However, the legend was around even before that; one of our readers encountered it in 1965 in Missouri told of a gal who had used a
While it is true any number of folks have managed to get the darndest things trapped inside their nether regions in pursuit of the ultimate sexual thrill, we do have to doubt this tale of a bottle trapped in a vagina due to suction ever played out in real life.
However, this legend is about sexual behaviors brought to light, so whether a seal sufficient to lock the bottle in place could be created is almost beside the point; the story requires only that the audience believe it could. Without the unbreakable seal, there is no reason for the girl to visit the emergency room, thus no mechanism for her sexual adventuring to become common knowledge. We find out she has been masturbating through the plot device of her requiring medical assistance to dislodge the item she'd been pleasuring herself with. A similar urban legend about a girl who uses a
This legend differs from the "girl gets a hot dog stuck inside her" story in two ways. First, while the hot dog tale is usually told about someone the teller knows or knows of (everyone, it seems, went to high school with a girl who got out of the ER on a misdewiener), the "bottle" incident is generally said to have happened to a stranger, someone a friend of the teller encountered. The former is a rumor used to humble and devastate specific girls in high school, the latter is a more general cautionary tale about the evils of masturbation.
Second, whereas a hot dog poses no danger (well, unless eaten, that is), a glass bottle lodged in one's private parts raises the specter of genital mutilation via being slashed by its shards. This legend argues a stronger case against masturbation: not only is embarrassment a potential outcome, but so is injury.
Most of the recountings of this legend culminate in the attending doctor drilling a hole in the base of the bottle to breach the vacuum that is locking it in place. This following version gives a different solution:
[Collected via e-mail, 2005]While young women are the usual focus of this legend, some versions put homosexual men into the starring role. Notice that in this version the bottle must have been inserted base first:
My brother was an EMT in Pt Wentworth, GA in the 70's. He told me of this call involving a young woman (16) who got a glass Pepsi Bottle stuck inside her during masturbation, no one knew what to do so they called the local ER and was told to release the suction, one of the EMT had to insert his finger into the young ladies rectum to relieve the bottle pressure. Needless to say, she was taken to the local ER and referred to that doctor!
[Dale, 1978]Barbara "in case of emergency, do not break glass" Mikkelson
A man, reportedly a homosexual, was taken to the casuality ward of a hospital with a small pineapple juice bottle inextricably inserted. The doctor, whom the teller averred was his father, could not think how to pull it out without breaking it, but at last inspiration came. He inserted a straightened and corkscrewed coat hanger in the bottle, filled it with plaster of paris, let it set, and was then able to pull out the bottle. As he did so, the young, naive student nurse at his side said: "However did he swallow it in the first place?"
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