Claim: A young man busy pleasuring himself discovers his mother has left a cup of tea at his bedside.
Example: [Collected via e-mail, 1994]
My friend’s younger brother went out with a woman last week. He still lives at home and so it was a big deal for him. His mother was dead against him going out that evening because he had an interview for a new job first thing in the morning. However, he went out promising that he would be back early.
He and the woman went out for a drink, danced a bit at a local club and she invited him back for “coffee.” After the usual drinking coffee and listening to Motown, they ended up in bed for a bit of horizontal jogging. Anyway, to cut a long story short, they both have a fantastic time. Raunchy,
filthy sex. However, it’s now about three am so his brother says “I have to go home because I’ve gotta work in the morning.” The woman takes him to the front door of her flat and as they’re walking through the main room, she sees her knickers lying on the floor. “Here,” she says giving them to him, “take these to remind you of me.” He stuffs them in his pocket and leaves, promising to phone.
He wakes up at 7 am in the morning feeling like shit. However, he’s got the normal morning stiffy. He starts thinking of the night before and becomes even more ‘inflamed’. Then he remembers the womans knickers in his pocket. He takes them out and sniffs them. The memories flood back. So, he’s certainly going to have a quick hand job at this moment but wants to have both hands free. So he puts the knickers over his head so that the gusset is over his nose. This obscures his eyes but he continues and has a pretty satisfactory hand job. After a short rest, he takes the knickers off his head so he can find the kleenex. However, he sees a cup of coffee and two slices of toast on his bed side table. His mother has come in and brought him his breakfast so he won’t miss his important interview.
- Mom always catches her son doing a solo act; this legend is never told about a father-daughter, father-son, or mother-daughter combination.
- The lad fails to notice his mother’s visit thanks to:
- The panties over his head.
- His Walkman blasting in his ears.
- Intense concentration on the matter at hand.
- All three of the above.
- In versions where a pair of girl’s panties feature in the plot, sometimes they were handed over willingly; in other tellings the lad had to resort to stealing the undies from the object of his affections.
- Mom leaves a cup of coffee or tea, a sandwich, or a plate of cookies. What she leaves isn’t all that important provided she leaves something — it’s the proof she was in the room and saw what her son was up to, after all.
Origins: The appeal of this legend lies in the thought that some poor slob’s mother caught him wanking off. Solo sexual forays carry enough of a taboo without the ultimate moral figure (“Mother”) having a front row seat for them.
No doubt since time immemorial mothers have been catching their sons masturbating. What elevates this tale into the realm of legend are the little details that lead to this lad’s coming to the inescapable conclusion that his mother witnessed what he’d been up to — he’s spared a confrontation, but at the price of a shaming realization. Will he ever be able to look Mom in the eye again? Also, it wasn’t a mere garden variety wank he was indulging in, what with a pair of ladies panties over his head and his nose happily inhaling their feminine scent. Such a mental image leaves an indelible mark on the minds of those merely hearing the tale, so it’s not difficult to imagine how long that picture would remain with the lad’s mother.
Barbara “intimate portrait” Mikkelson
Sightings: On 21 March 2011, Craig Ferguson related the tale on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson as having happened to “a guy he knows” back when that man was a teenager. In that version of the tale, mom leaves a sandwich and a glass of milk next to his bed.
Last updated: 19 February 2014
Healey, Phil and Rick Glanvill. The Return of Urban Myths. London: Virgin Books, 1993. (p. 186-187).