Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2003]
Andy Rooney on Monica:
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
Vegetarian — that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
Andy Rooney on Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Gee, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney on Phone-in-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs
Andy Rooney on Cripes:
My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'
Andy Rooney on Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney on Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep. "Uh,
Origins: Andy Rooney, the curmudgeonly commentator who closed every Sunday broadcast of television's
There are some quick giveaways that not everything on this list came from the pen of Andy Rooney: making risqué jokes about Monica Lewinsky and "morning arousals" just wasn't his style; he wouldn't have written "I live in
Like most items of this ilk, this list has been circulating for several years, with new items being added and others dropped off as it has trudged from inbox to inbox. The first two entries (about Monica Lewinsky and vegetarians) are common jokes tacked on fairly recently; at other times the list has included some or all of the following additional entries:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, then you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, get laid, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating in warm
On 4 November 2011, Andy Rooney passed away at the age of 92.
Last updated: 5 November 2011