Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Claim: After collapsing at a post-concert party, a rock star is rushed to an emergency room, where doctors pump a pint of semen out of his (or her) stomach.
Example: [Collected on the Internet]
When the concepts of teenage sex and oral sex began to lose their power to titillate and shock, the target of the legend changed to the new symbols of debauchery and excess: rock stars. In that incarnation the disapproved element of homosexuality was added, as the tale began to be told only about male rock stars, specifically those rumored to be something less than 100% heterosexual — primarily Elton John and Rod Stewart — but with all the same details (the collapse, the trip to the emergency room, the pumping of copious amount of seminal fluid from the stomach) intact.
(Never mind that the amount of semen supposedly pumped out of the subject generally exceeded the capacity of even the largest of stomachs and would have required continuously performing blow jobs for about three days straight to ingest, that semen (in any quantity) isn't toxic,
In his 2012 autobiography, singer Rod Stewart attibuted the connection of his name with this legend to rumors spread by a disgruntled assistant:
[Stewart] claims his one-time sidekick Tony Toon made up the tale after he was fired for taking a male lover back to a hotel room he was sharing with the star's seven-year-old stepson.Nowadays this legend keeps resurfacing, attributed to whatever singer (male or female) is currently disliked for being too popular or too lightweight or too cute (frequently teenage singers with legions of fawning adolescent fans, such as the New Kids on the Block or Britney Spears). Some versions still attempt to shock (rather than simply denigrate their targets) by including elements of bestiality. (That is, in some tellings the stomach contents are said to have included dog semen, as if sperm typing were a category of test a hospital would routinely perform under the circumstances.)
Toon accompanied Stewart and his then-wife Alana on a vacation in Hawaii, and the hotel was overbooked. The assistant and Alana's son wound up sharing a room.
Stewart explained, "We had our children Sean and Kimberly in a room with us, and we asked Toon to share a room with Alana's son Ashley, who was then seven. Toon, of course, couldn't resist pulling some bloke in the bar that evening and taking him back to the room. I fired him in the morning.
"Toon's revenge was absolutely inspired. He fed the press a story in which, as a consequence of an evening spent orally servicing a gang of sailors in a gay bar in San Diego, I had been required to check into a hospital emergency room to have my stomach pumped ... I have never orally pleasured even a solitary sailor, let alone a ship's worth in one evening. And I have never had my stomach pumped, either of naval-issue semen or of any other kind of semen.
"With minor variations ... this story has stayed with me ever since. Say what you like about Tony Toon — and God rest his soul — but he was good at his job."
Although this tale is rarely related as a belief tale these days (i.e., the tellers generally realize they're passing on something that's merely a wild story and not an account of an actual occurrence, even if they continue to claim the latter), similar tales about a girl who inadvertently blurts out an embarrassing question in a biology class and a girl who has an unfortunate mishap with a hot dog are still widely related as true events.
Last updated: 19 October 2012
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