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Home --> Notes --> Son of Spam

Son of Spam

We receive dozens of variations of the ubiquitous ubiquitous Nigerian Scam in our inbox every day. Usually we just file them away, but once in a while one comes along remarkable for its audacity or its humor. The one quoted below is an example of the latter category, although the humor is intentional — it's a parody which has been around since early 2004 and neatly incorporates a plethora of common spam pitches into its text:

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

THIS IS A PERSONAL EMAIL T0 YOU ONLY. I AM THE SON OF SPAM SPADE, THE FORMER LOAN OFFICER OF NIGERIA, WHO WAS KILLED BY A RUSSIAN LADY WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU. HIS MORTGAGE RATES WERE SUPERB, BUT HIS PENIS WAS TOO SHORT, SO HE ORDERED 60,000,000 VIAGRA PILLS AND BEFORE HE COULD TAKE THEM HE WAS ASSASINATED BY 5 MILLION EMAIL ADDRESSES AT NO COST TO YOU. NOW I HAVE THESE 60 MILLION VIAGRA PILLS AND SEEK YOUR HELP IN TRANSFERING THEM TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I AM USING THIS MEDIUM T0 REACH YOU. HOWEVER I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE AND THIS IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, YOUR CO-OPERATION IS NECESSARY. YOUR RESUME WAS SELECTED AS BEING HIGHLY QUALIFIED, BUT THIS IS NOT SPAM! THIS IS FREEDOM FROM DEBT - CUT YOUR MORTGAGE IN HALF WITH OUR AMAZING REMOTE-CONTROL PASTA POT. THIS OFFER IS FREE. YOU HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO DELETE IT AT ANY TIME.

Y0UR PILLS ARE BEING HELD IN AN INEXPENSIVE DIGITAL CABLE DESCRAMBLER BOX GUARDED BY TEENY TITS CARRYING EXPLOSIVE LOADS. THE LOWEST RATES ARE LOCKED IN, ALONG WITH YOUR FREE GIFT. THESE PILLS MUST BE TRANSFERED TO YOUR ACCOUNT USING A HAND-HELD ORGANIZER WHICH MAY BE OBTAINED FROM A FREE GOVERNMENT-AUCTION WEB SITE. BY VIEWING PHOTOS OF SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, INCLUDING HORNY WIVES, YOU CAN LOOK YOUNGER, LOSE WEIGHT, AND INCREASE YOUR STAMINA WHILE DRIVING PRE-QUALIFIED CUSTOMERS TO YOUR MULTILEVEL PROGRAM AND MAKE OVER $4000 PER MONTH GUARANTEED. THESE PILLS WILL NOT ONLY MAKE YOU LOOK 3" LONGER, THEY WILL GET RID OF YOUR FLEAS AND TICKS FOR GOOD! SIMPLY COPY ANY DVD TO YOUR FREE INTERNET DOMAIN AND BEGIN YOUR ANTI-AGING PROGRAM TODAY.

THE PLAN IS SIMPLE. Y0U WILL USE NORTON SYSTEMWORKS (A $300 VALUE FOR ONLY $38.95) TO PURCHASE 37 MILLION SHARES OF TONER CORP STOCK. THEN YOU WILL MEET ME AT THE WORLD'S SMALLEST DIGITAL CAMERA WITH $30,000 IN CORAL CALCIUM. WARNING: DO NOT TAKE ANY HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE OR YOU WILL NOT QUALIFY FOR YOUR FREE GIFT. ONCE YOU RECONNECT WITH YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL FRIENDS, YOUR FREE CREDIT REPORT WILL BE SENT. WITH THIS REPORT, YOU CAN BUILD YOUR OWN ONLINE CASINO. ONCE INSIDE THE CASINO, YOU WILL SUBSCRIBE TO KARA'S FREE FAN CLUB, WHERE YOU WILL BE ENTERED IN A DRAWING TO PROTECT YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM. DO NOT FAIL TO DO THIS, OR I WILL REDUCE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS BY THREE INCHES! KARA'S WEB SITE WILL POP UP 6,000 PAGES, ALL OF WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO CLOSE BY CLICKING THEM. FOR EACH ONE YOU CLICK, TWO MORE WILL APPEAR. AFTER YOU COMPLETE YOUR ONLINE DEGREE (IN 8 MONTHS OR LESS), I WILL SEND YOU A HOT AMATEUR MP3 THAT WILL CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBT USING ONLINE AUCTIONS. NOT EVEN CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, OR OPRAH WILL KNOW OUR SECRET!

N0W Y0U WILL BE READY TO RECEIVE THE PILLS. YOU WILL USE THE AUCTION SITE TO FIRE YOUR BOSS AND CLAIM YOUR PORTABLE DVD PLAYER FROM THE SECRET ANTI-WRINKLE AGENT. NEXT, BOOST YOUR CELLULAR RECEPTION AND DRIVE OUR TEENY LOLITAS WILD WITH HUMAN PHEROMONES MADE FROM PRE-OWNED INKJET CARTRIDGES. YOU WILL TRADE THE PHEROMONES FOR A SINGLE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL FILLED WITH A FREE THIRTY-DAY SUPPLY, WHICH WILL ENLARGE YOUR PACKAGE EVEN FURTHER. THE HERBAL INGREDIENTS IN THIS PACKAGE WILL INCREASE YOUR REVENUE PROJECTIONS BY 3" AND CLEAN THE INNER WALLS OF YOUR INTESTINES. REMEMBER, THIS IS NOT A SLEEP REMEDY, THIS AMAZING PRODUCT TARGETS THE BACTERIA THAT ACTUALLY CAUSE SNORING!

0UR PSYCHICS ARE STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDER. GIVE THEM YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND WAIT FOR THE BEEP. YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE ULTIMATE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH AND A FREE CREDIT CHECK. DEPOSIT THIS CHECK IN A PRE-APPROVED ACCOUNT, AND YOU WILL TAKE HOME 40% OF THE PILLS.

THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE TRANSACTION. THE RESULTS ARE GUARANTEED. THIS IS A COMPLETELY SECURE INVESTMENT. I HOPE YOU WILL HELP ME AND MY FAMILY AS WE ARE IN DESPERATE NEED. PLEASE REPLY ASAP.

SINCERELY,

S0N OF SPAM

P.S., IF YOU WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS MAILING LIST, SIMPLY GO TO WWW.UNSUBSCRIBE.COM.

An acquaintance of ours noted that this item achieved the remarkable score of 31.1 points on SpamAssassin, a junk e-mail filtering product. A mere 5.0 point score is enough to trigger SpamAssassin into flagging an incoming message as spam:

Content analysis details: (31.1 points, 5.0 required)

pts rule name description
1.0 FROM_ENDS_IN_NUMS From:ends in numbers
1.7 INCREASE_SEX BODY: Talks about a bigger drive for sex
4.1 VIAGRA BODY: Plugs Viagra
1.0 EARN_MONEY BODY: Message talks about earning money
2.4 CABLE_CONVERTER BODY: Cable Converter
0.5 PENIS_ENLARGE2 BODY: Information on getting larger penis/breasts
2.6 CELL_PHONE_BOOST BODY: Talks about cell-phone signal improvement
2.3 DEAR_SOMETHING BODY: Contains 'Dear (something)'
0.8 MORTGAGE_PITCH BODY: Looks like mortgage pitch
3.0 CONSOLIDATE_DEBT BODY: Consolidate debt, credit, or bills
1.5 NO_OBLIGATION BODY: There is no obligation
1.7 NO_COST BODY: No such thing as a free lunch (3)
1.9 AMAZING_STUFF BODY: Amazing Stuff
0.7 MORTGAGE_RATES BODY: Information on mortgage rates
2.0 MILLION_EMAIL BODY:Get a million email addresses
0.1 RCVD_IN_SORBS_DUL RBL: SORBS: sent directly from dynamic IP address [66.218.66.27 listed in dnsbl.sorbs.net]
1.7SARE_FRAUD_X3 Matches 3+ phrases commonly used in fraud spam
2.1 HG_HORMONE Talks about hormones for human growth
0.0 UPPERCASE_75_100 message body is 75-100% uppercase

Last updated:   4 October 2004

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