Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1998]
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is John Jo and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "Fuckin' jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'Fuckin' jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Yo. This is Telly with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Fuckin' jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Asshole.. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a fuckin' jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world.
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "You the dude with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes I am."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name dude?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes." "Don, you're a fuckin' jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "Fuckin' jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your fuckin' name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Asshole! You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Fuckin' jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello? Fuckin' jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your fuckin ASS!"
"Oh yeah? You just wait right there. I'm coming over right now, jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of fuckin' jerks!"
- The hero's name is variously given as John Jo, Patrick Hanifin, Patrick Hannifin or Steve Sims.
- The name he makes up when posing as someone asking about caller ID is Telly or Herman.
- Depending on which version you encounter, the miscreants are labelled "jerks," "fuckin' jerks," or "jackasses."
The version given here is impossible, when one considers how our hero encountered the first jerk. Remember Robin Carter's phone number and how she'd transposed the last two digits, thereby precipitating the first phone call? How is it possible to do that with a phone number such as
The story's charm lies in its theme of revenge sought and exacted. Though constantly wronged by those about us, our hands are tied as seeking to get even is frowned upon in our society
Barbara "knee jerk reaction" Mikkelson
Last updated: 27 March 2007