Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2004]
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about
Friggin' way—trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs
Film at eleven....
Origins: This story about a protective husband trying out his wife's taser upon himself to ascertain its ability to take out a mugger first appeared on the Internet in July 2004. For now its author is unknown to us, leaving the question of "But is it a true story?" up in the air.
This same narrative has landed in the snopes.com inbox numerous times, often altered by small textual differences, such as variations in the storyteller's name (Art, Earl, Tommy, J.J., Clem, Mike), his wife's name (Toni, Kelly, Gisele, Melanie, Gerry, Kathy), the anniversary (18th, 22nd, 30th, 36th, or just "our anniversary"), and even the name of the shop where the item was purchased (Larry's Pistol and Pawn [with or without the "Shop"] or Ski's Pistol and Pawn Shop). In some
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back...
"Never Touchin' the Taser Again!"
While pop culture recognizes a number of Graces (e.g., Grace Kelly, Grace Slick, Grace Jones, Grace Metalious), it knows only one Gracie: Gracie Allen, the distaff member of one of the rare guy-and-girl comedy teams to make it to the top. Gracie's partner was her husband, George Burns; and while George Burns successfully continued his lengthy career after her death in 1964, all of Gracie's comedy work was done with him, making it impossible to think of Gracie Allen without George Burns also immediately coming to mind. In this sense, her name acts as a mental prompt for his. And therein (potentially) lies the clue.
Burns. The name of Gracie's comedian husband, and also the result of being zapped with a stun gun.
Barbara "gracie watches while george burns" Mikkelson
Last updated: 14 March 2006