Parental Nightmares

Urban legends about parental nightmares.

Nothing terrifies parents more than the thought of calamity befalling their children. Kids are our hopes, our dreams, our future. More than that, helpless and trusting things that they are, they look to their mommies and daddies to protect them from all the evil in the world. Parents' greatest fear has to be that someday they'll drop their guard just long enough to leave their youngsters vulnerable to the wrong people.

Parents worry about madmen on the loose and about the "responsible" people they leave their kids with for an hour or two. No parents can watch over their children 24 hours a day, hence the underlying anxiety in the following legends.

Red bullet Venomous snakes lurk in the ball pits of fast food restaurants.*

Red bullet Kidnappers abduct children from amusement parks by cutting and dying their victims' hair.

Red bullet Babysitter on drug trip mistakes infant for a turkey and cooks it in the oven.*

Red bullet Schoolchildren are given cartoon character tattoos laced with LSD.*

Red bullet Drug dealers smuggle cocaine into the USA in the hollowed-out bodies of babies.*

Green bullet Pins, needles, and razor blades have been found in Halloween treats.*

Red bullet Madmen randomly put poison in Halloween candy.*

Red bullet Red Cross blood drive reveals 20% of high school donors are HIV-positive.

Red bullet Little boy dies after being pricked by heroin-filled syringe in playground ball pit.

White bullet Gang lures a little boy into a washroom and cuts off his penis.

Red bullet Policeman cyberstalks a young girl to show her how information could be used to find her.

White bullet Child takes mother's exaggerated warning to younger sibling literally and acts on it.

White bullet Sitter dies while parents are on vacation; dead baby discovered weeks later strapped in his high chair.

White bullet Babysitter quiets her charges by gassing them.

Green bullet Baby left in car by forgetful parent dies.

Red bullet Child drowns after jumping into the ocean to see SpongeBob SquarePants.

Red bullet Enraged father punishes 3-year-old by smashing his fingers, then commits suicide out of remorse.

Green bullet Child falls on knife in open dishwasher and dies.

Red bullet Death of an infant in an auto accident led to the invention of "Baby on Board" signs.

Green bullet Child suffocates playing "Chubby Bunny," a marshmallow-stuffing game.

Red bullet Father foils attempted abduction at a Blockbuster store of North Texas child.

Red bullet Mexican woman attempts to abducts tot from store in Tupelo, MS.

White bullet Baby left on bed smothered under coats left by guests.

Red bullet Parents of murdered Virginia Tech co-ed unthinkingly back over other child on way to airport.

Green bullet Children suffer injuries on escalators because of their shoes.

White bullet Box left in middle of the road contains infant.

Green bullet An infant suffered debilitating respiration problems after aspirating baby oil.

Green bullet A child injured his arm through extended wearing of Silly Bandz.

Green bullet Returning soldier discovers his wife has died and the kids starved to death.

Green bullet Razor blade discovered in child's "footies" (footed pajamas) injures baby.

White bullet Schoolkids are "snorting" and "smoking" Smarties and putting themselves at risk of contracting nasal maggots.

Green bullet Razor blades were discovered glued to playground equipment in a public park.

Red bullet Schoolkids are smoking and injecting crushed bedbugs to get high from a hallucinogenic substance they contain.

Red bullet Kids are rubbing Burt's Bees lip balm on their eyelids to get high.

Red bullet Image depicts a toddler who was electrocuted after playing with an electrical cord.

Red bullet Parents should keep any eye out for Ecstasy (MDMA) disguised as Halloween candy being distributed to trick-or-treaters.

David Mikkelson founded in 1994, and under his guidance the company has pioneered a number of revolutionary technologies, including the iPhone, the light bulb, beer pong, and a vaccine for a disease that has not yet been discovered. He is currently seeking political asylum in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.