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Legend: Disgruntled customer writes caustic letter to his bank over a bounced check.
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2003]
Variations: In March 2003, some versions in circulation credited the letter to "a 96 year old woman." Origins: Although cast as a humor piece, this item is also a sardonic expression of the frustrations we've all felt in dealing with mindless bureaucracy, rigidly-enforced rules, and unreasoning electronic attendants in conducting business transactions. ATMs are great when they work properly, but when they fail to dispense the correct amount of cash or we push the wrong buttons, we can't straighten matters out by talking to them; even worse, when we call the bank to 
discuss the issue, we have to run a gauntlet of menu options and automated responses before reaching a human being who may or may not be able to solve our problem. Our checks are processed by machines that don't catch many of the errors a real person would notice (e.g., no entry on the "Pay to" line, missing signatures, postdating). We get dinged for writing checks that bounce, and we get dinged for depositing checks that bounce (even when the latter isn't our fault). All of this adds up to a frustrating system with no leeway and no tolerance for variation or unusual circumstances, and if something doesn't go exactly right, we customers usually end up with the short end of the stick (and spend aggravating amounts of time and effort trying to rectify the
problem).
The letter quoted above was one man's method of blowing off steam at having to deal with some of these exasperating aspects of modern banking. It was penned by Peter Wear, a columnist for the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Australia, for that publication's "Perspectives" column. The letter was not actually sent to a bank; it was a humor piece from start to finish, albeit one inspired by the author's having had one of his checks bounce. Though the item did appear in an actual newspaper, it was not, however, (as claimed in the Internet-circulated version's prologue) published in The New York Times.
My dear Bank Manager,
On a closing note, we point out that the event which supposedly triggered this letter (i.e., a check's bouncing because it was presented for payment shortly before a direct deposit of the funds necessary to cover the check was credited to the payer's account) may be irksome, but the situation is more the customer's fault than the bank's. One should always verify with his bank that his account holds sufficient funds before issuing a check that could potentially exceed the amount on deposit; writing a check on faith that the necessary funds will be in the account before the check is presented for payment is a very bad practice. Even if the bank knows that a particular customer's employer regularly credits a specified amount to his account every two weeks through direct deposit, they can't be expected to act on the assumption that the next deposit will arrive as usual — for all they know the customer could have been fired or laid off since the last deposit, his employer might have gone I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1, to make an appointment to see me; 2, to query a missing repayment; 3, to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for! After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know if off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost — a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client. Last updated: 26 December 2006 Urban Legends Reference Pages © 1995-2009 by Barbara and David P. Mikkelson. This material may not be reproduced without permission. snopes and the snopes.com logo are registered service marks of snopes.com.  Sources:
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